The Unpleasantness

Bird Watching - 05/09/2007

2007-05-09T07:13:00.000-06:00

God bless the parents of this beautiful child for teaching him the value of expressing himself at such a young age.

In sixteen years that bottle won't have milk in it. But the finger and expression will still be the same.

Submit your Bird Watching photos to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com

Dirty Sanchez

2007-05-03T08:50:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been in bed with one or more people of the same or opposite sex and said to yourself, "man, this is some crazy, fucked up shit! I wonder what it's called!?!?" C'mon, we all know that's happened on at least one occassion. Well, wonder no more, because the Deviant Sex Act Fabricator can assist you in giving a name to even your most sickening predilections.

One of the nifty things about the site is that it allows you to offer up definitions for the acts it randomly generates. I'm not entirely sure what a "Bulgarian power juicer" might be, but I have a feeling it would involve a pommel horse, a bucket of Jergens and some guy named Stosh.

[h/t [BB-Blog]]

Good Advice

2007-05-03T08:37:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine is an aspiring advice columnist and I've asked if The Unpleasantness could host his column. He agreed, but only after some vigorous Greco-Roman wrestling.

Dear Diablo,

My life seems empty and meaningless. I spend too much time alone, food
doesn't taste good, I sleep poorly and derive little satisfaction from the
things that formerly brought me great pleasure. Any ideas how I might get
out of this funk?

Desperate in Milwaukee

Dear DIM,

1. Get a life
2. Get a dog.
3. Drink better bourbon, and more of it more frequently.
4. Don't ever attempt contact me in any way, shape or form again, or I will
slap a restraining order on you so quick and hard you will beg for mercy. I
may also have you hunted down for sport and ritualistically slaughtered to
slake my unending bloodlust.

You're a pathetic whiner.

Love,
El Diablo

If you want advice from El Diablo, send an e-mail to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com. If you're unlucky, he'll answer.

¡Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaal!

2007-04-24T09:30:00.000-06:00

One of my friend's greatest fears is that his daughter will grow up and want to play soccer. He's closely monitoring her ankle thickness and praying daily that she doesn't come home with a femullet. This Playboy layout of the Brazillian women's soccer team is bound to beset him with a whole new collection of fears, not the least of which is that I'm now the world's biggest fan of women's soccer. Ever!

[h/t YesButNoButYes]

Slightly Confused

2007-04-24T09:27:00.000-06:00

Two girls kissing can be one of the most awesomest things in the world, right up there with two girls dancing (man, I miss high school dances) and two girls making me a peanut butter sandwich. But when one of the girls is so utterly confused that her tongue is trying to find the mark but her head just won't cooperate, it's not so much awesome as it is frustrating, like trying to watch a one-armed man clap, or trying to get him to wave at you while he's hanging from a tree branch. You know, they only ever fall for that once. Get it? Fall! Lordy, I kill me.

Bird Watching - 04/24/2007

2007-04-24T09:25:00.000-06:00

Hey! Tough guy! You lookin' at me? YOU LOOKIN' AT ME!?!?

Oh...that's for the person over my shoulder? Well, I'll move out of the way then.

Bird Watching: 04/23/2007

2007-04-23T07:05:00.000-06:00

What's better than having a bartender flip you off? Having the beer delivery guy flip you off.

Go to the source, I always say. Go to the source.

Hug That Pillow

2007-04-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

It's not often that I post e-mails I receive to The Unpleasantness. In fact, I've never posted an e-mail I've received to The Unpleasantness. Once I was going to post one I received about how I could be "more of a man," but there was no freakin' way I was letting that secret out. So, instead, I'm going to post the e-mail I just received from my friend Captain 40oz Hands:

Don't jinx the Brewers thing, ahole. Anywho, [name removed to protect the
innocent], FROLF today in the sunshine. Right when you get off of work on 62nd
and Keef (rhyms with queef, the front grunt or the action that was related to my
friend [name removed to protect the guilty] in confidence and then
that confidence was broken and my course of life was altered, I could have been
married to [name removed to protect everyone] and my house would have
been clean but I would have cats instead of dogs so lets call it even). FROLF
won't take you an hour and it is most enjoyable.

So, here is my lastest master plan. Evidently, my fiancee thinks I am
disgusting when I get drunk. Evidently, it was always that way and she never
told me. It has just now become more and more noticeable. She says things like,
"Gees, I didn't know you like Jagermeister that much!" and "You smell like
booze." She has even broken down my latest defense tactic, the stress of work.
When she says that I drink to much (which has now been regulated to pretty much
just Fridays), I say that I work with cancer kids. Now she says that I always
use that as an excuse. That's an effin tough stance. She doesn't even care about
the cancer kids. Heartless.

So my new tactic is honesty. It is time to stand up for my testicles. I
am unashamed and unabashed in my hedonism and manhood. I work and I do the
dishes and I go to school and the bills are paid. I can get effin drunk when and
where I want. If I want a drink I am going to have it, dammit. And then I am
going to have five. Get outamy face woman and watch out 'cause I'm horney. Hug
that pillow. It's midnight and I started at 3 in the afternoon and I am going to
light this cigarette and open another beer because of these nutz I got palmed
right here. I would make you feel beter if you got down on your pretty little
knees and just smooched them right effin now. And then go to the store and get
me another pack of Camel lights. And effin hard pack this time, comprende? I'll
pay you back tomorrow, toots. Thanks.

I think this'll work out for me.

Yep.

Bird Watching - 04/20/2007

2007-04-20T08:03:00.000-06:00

This fellow just earned his citizenship and he's celebrating by flipping me off. That's the beauty of being an American! And immediately after this photo was taken we handed him a gun, shipped him over-seas and told him to get to work protecting this great nation of ours. Thanks, pal!

Bird Watching - 04/19/2007

2007-04-19T10:26:00.000-06:00

"What is this? What could I do with it? How could I possibly use this one small thing to communicate to the world how I feel about it? Ooooohhhhh...I've got an idea!"

Bird Watching Video

2007-04-18T09:14:00.000-06:00

Few people know where most of my bird watching takes place. This fellow does. So today not only marks the first ever reader submitted bird watching, but also the first ever video bird watching. It also marks the first time I've ever tried Ethiopian food, but that's really neither here nor there.

Bird Watching - 04/18/2007

2007-04-18T07:14:00.000-06:00

This is the first in a [hopefully] long line of reader submitted bird watching and I have to say that it brings a tear to my eye every time I look at it. Sure, it's one thing for people I know to flip me off, but it's completely different to have a total stranger flipping me off. Kinda like church.

Remember, you too can submit your bird watching photos by sending an e-mail to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com!

Disturbingly Arousing

2007-04-17T09:49:00.000-06:00

Milwaukee Happy Hour provides us with a great opportunity to see all the fun people have when they're out and about, drinking, having a good time and HOLY CRAP! Look at the size of that chick's tongue! And look at her arms! Is that even a chick? As my friend Buzz once said as Miss Gay Latina Wisconsin walked by, "Dude, that's a dude." And as I responded, "I don't care. He's still hot."

I feel like I need to cleanse myself now.

Bird Watching - 04/17/2007

2007-04-17T09:06:00.001-06:00

My how time flies. Here I am waking up this morning, thinking it's Monday, all set to put up the first Bird Watching post of the week. Then I realize it's actually Tuesday! And I have no idea where it is I'm waking up! Or where my pants are! Or why all those studio lights are shining down on me! And what in the world is that stain?

Lin-Lo + K-Fed

2007-04-13T10:01:00.000-06:00

What the fudge is wrong with Lindsay Lohan? For that matter, what the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with Kevin Federline? Rumor has it the two have started dating, or at least "made love," but with these two is there really any difference? If it were a date, I'd picture Kevin picking Lindsay up with his pants around his ankles (which he could conveniently pass off as hard-core rapper fashion) and Lindsay opening the door already half way to climaxing. If it were making love, I can imagine Lindsay spending the entire time texting her friends stuff like "OMG IM DOING KFED!!! :):):)" and "SKRU BRIT!" Meanwhile, Federline wouldn't even be in the same room because he couldn't figure out how to work the bathroom doorknob. But that wouldn't matter, because from what I hear about Lindsay's cooter, you technically just need to be in the same zip code as her to be doing the nasty.

For the record, K-Fed has managed to knock up not one, but two women...neither of which he's currently with. I guess the new hotness is single fatherhood without the responsibility of child-rearing. Looks like I've got some work to do!

Bird Watching - 04/13/2007

2007-04-13T06:40:00.000-06:00

If there's one way you can piss off a restaurant manager, it's by asking her if you can do something that's normally against the rules and following it up with "we do spend a lot of money here." Another way to do it is by asking "do you know who I am?" But the best way of doing it is by impersonating a famous food critic, ordering everything on the menu and yelling "merde!" after each bite.

How, you may ask, does one impersonate a food critic? Monocles. It's all about the monocles. And if you wear two, then you obviously mean business.

Frankie Muniz strikes again

2007-04-12T11:00:00.000-06:00

When I heard that Frankie Muniz was turning his back on acting to pursue a career in auto-racing I was somewhat happy for the guy. After all, he wasn't that great an actor to begin with and just went to prove that you should never invest in someone's career before they hit puberty. But now I'm just worried about the guy. First, our crack team of paparazzi here at The Unpleasantness catches him eyeing up the ladies at a state fair and now we find him passing his time scaring the crap out of bunnies and babies. Maybe he thought auto-racing was a euphamism for "going nutbags." Or maybe he's just upset that Allesandra Ambrosio won't return his phone calls. I'm totally speculating on that second one, but that's just because I'm hoping someone else out there can empathize with my plight. And I wanted a reason to post a picture of Allesandra Ambrosio. See how that works?

McAdams to Marry. The Unpleasantness Cries

2007-04-12T08:17:00.000-06:00

Rachel McAdams, poster-girl for all that is hot, hot, hot and the only reason I watched The Notebook, is set to marry longtime beau Ryan Gosling in a low-profile ceremony.

They seem to be happy together and all, but wishing them the best would just be so insincere. It would be like losing the election for class president and then pledging all your support for the winner, only you've already started making plans to steal his girlfriend and frame his parents for treason.

Who's laughing now, Todd?!?!?

Bird Watching - 04/12/2007

2007-04-12T06:56:00.000-06:00

Black nail polish? Dang...you just know she means it! Black always shows someone means it. That's why I'm so proud to have a heart made of cold, black stone. And sugardrops!

Gettin' your 4H on

2007-04-11T12:23:00.000-06:00

Some people go to state fairs for the food. Others go for the rides. Still others go for the livestock competitions.

This guy, he goes in search of his future wife. And I'm pretty certain he's found her. Poor, poor girl.

Don't Touch Me There

2007-04-11T11:11:00.000-06:00

Milwaukee Happy Hour just never fails to provide. By "provide," I obviously mean giving me pictures of drunk people doing/allowing others to do things I just don't get in my normal daily course of practicing law from the back of a city bus. And if anybody thinks of claiming I'm an attorney, I'll sue your pants off. Then I'll take a picture of that and post it here. So just mind your Ps and Qs, pal.

Bird Watching - 04/11/2007

2007-04-11T07:11:00.000-06:00

Never before in the history of bird watching has someone meant it as much as she does. They always say there's some truth to every joke. Do you know what else there's always some truth to? Truth. So sayeth The Unpleasantness.

Scientifically Drooling

2007-04-10T10:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I really feel sorry for Jews and Muslims. No, it isn't because they haven't accepted Christ as their true lord and savior, but rather that they haven't accepted bacon as their true lord and savior. Sure, they can eat beef or turkey bacon, but we all know that's about as close to real bacon as I am to being the real heir to the Russian throne. Sure, maybe the British throne, or the Super-Sexy-Stud throne, but the Russian throne? No way.

Anyhoo, from The Sun Online, some scientists in England have come up with the formula for the perfect bacon sandwich:

N = C + {fb(cm) . fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc . ta

N = force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon.
fb = function of the bacon type.
fc = function of the condiment/filling effect.
Ts = serving temperature. tc = cooking time.
ta = time or duration of application of condiment/filling.
cm = cooking method.
C = Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.

Considering the British spend £1 billion on bacon a year (that's nearly $2 billion in real money) this was apparently cash well spent. And now that they've solved this riddle of the universe, they can finally turn their attention to researching the more pressing matter of why British hotbox Sienna Miller just can't seem to keep her hands off me.
[h/t YesButNoButYes]

Hallowang, or another excuse for girls to dress like sluts

2007-04-10T08:25:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it's become an excuse for girls to dress in ways that would give their grandmothers heart attacks. Hell, some of the costumes would give me heart attacks if it weren't for my home-made pacemaker and regular diet of garlic and nitroglycerin. That's why I'm so excited some guy in Milwaukee is trying to start his own holiday, Hallowang. So, if you just can't wait another six months to dress up as your favorite Friends character, hippie, kitty cat or one-eyed worm (seriously...I had a friend do that once), then set aside April 28th to hit the town and check out all the dirty girls...er...I mean costumes.

Bird Watching - 04/10/2007

2007-04-10T07:08:00.000-06:00

This guy insisted on not only giving me the finger, but then showing me all five...one for each member of my family. Even though he thinks he's being funny, what he's really doing is forcing me to have flashbacks to the backhands my father used to give me to "build character." Build character my ass! All they did was make me a bitter man unable to have healthy relationships. But I can take a punch. Come on. I dare you!

Fun Fact!

Did you know that gay bartenders are the best bartenders ever? That's because their limp-wristed pouring action in combination with the weight of the bottle results in gravity taking over and some of the best pours around. Don't believe me? Take a look at the pour below. That's a bourbon...neat. Oh yeah.

So tip your gay bartenders well. And keep hoping that your straight bartenders switch teams!

I know what I like

2007-04-09T11:41:00.000-06:00

I heard of this artist who once used a urinal as a piece of artwork. This must be the explanation for why I took a picture of these urinals. It also probably explains why I believe urinals and most other works of art interchangeable. And that explains why I'm not allowed in the Louvre any longer.

Hey Sexy!

2007-04-09T08:33:00.000-06:00

After a particularly rough Friday night, I found this picture on my camera-phone the next day. I had no idea who the picture was of, and was a tad concerned over the fact that it appeared to be taken in a bathroom and the person is sticking his tongue out at me. Well, I did wake up in my bed the next morning without any unusual soreness, so it couldn't have been all that bad, but still, I was a little worried.

Then, after hours of concern, I realized it was a picture of me. Damn, I'm one hot sexy guy. And that's been independently verified in several scientific labs, some of which have also confirmed that certain Taco Bell offerings truly are "good to go."

Bird Watching - 04/08/2007

2007-04-09T07:14:00.000-06:00

This guy is a good friend and a former bartender, which is actually kind of redundant. If you think about it, "good friend" is also sort of redundant. I mean, if you had a "bad" friend, wouldn't that be an enemy? And if you really think about what a bartender does to you, wouldn't that make him your enemy? Which means this guy isn't a good friend at all!

Holy crap! I just blew my mind!

Bird Watching - 04/06/2007

2007-04-06T07:29:00.000-06:00

You're getting a two-fer today because I neglected my bird watching duties yesterday. But give me a break. Being a superstar secret agent male model executive chef stud isn't all fun and games. Sometimes it's just fun. And games.

Say Cheese!

2007-04-04T09:28:00.000-06:00

Mothers should be proud whenever they find pictures of their children up at Milwaukee Happy Hour. I only hope that someday when I have children (that I acknowledge) I'll have taught them that dry-humping in public during the daytime while holding a PBR isn't only appropriate, it's required to be a useful member of society.

Oh...so is licking your friend's boob for the camera.

Where's the beef?

2007-04-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to say it with flowers. It's far too cliche and, to be frank, sneaking into my neighbor's yard to steal roses is getting riskier and riskier with every passing day, especially when I give them back to her as a sign of my affection and a plea to re-consider the restraining order. Seriously, how am I supposed to shower if she won't let me in her bathroom?

Back to the point. Here's an awesome meat font, even though it's really not so much a font as it is a bunch of pictures of raw beef packaged in the shapes of letters. I can honestly say this has to be the most mouth watering font ever in the history of anything!

[h/t swissmiss]

Bird Watching - 04/04/2007

2007-04-04T08:15:00.000-06:00

Many years ago I worked for this guy. Whenever I asked him for a raise, this was his response. It was also his response when I would ask him if he wanted cream or sugar in his coffee, or if he would sign off on my expense reports. Man, those were some good times!

Submit your own Bird Watching photos to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com

Will you be my friend?

2007-04-03T15:10:00.000-06:00

Today I received a MySpace friend request from a bar called Have a Nice Day Cafe. At first, this freaked me out a bit, because I was wondering how in the world a bar became sentient and then managed to create its own MySpace account, much less start seeking out friends. Then I realized that was just a very bigoted view for me to have and that I shouldn't be so judgemental. Bars are people too and should be treated as such. Therefore, from this day forth, I shall treat all bars as I treat all of my friends: by sneaking in and stealing all their liquor while they aren't paying attention, vomiting in their kitchen sinks and passing out in their bathrooms. Now, if only bars could somehow have girlfriends, I could really treat them the way I treat my friends.

Oh yeah, and Have a Nice Day Cafe has a website. With pictures. Of drunk girls. Awesome Kong.

An Unpleasant Bleg

2007-04-03T09:38:00.000-06:00

In some parts of the country it's an election day. And while a number of people are out looking for votes, we here at The Unpleasantness are looking for birdies!

How many times have you wished you could have your mug, along with your finger, displayed on this glorious site? Well unlike all those times you wished for world peace or someone, anyone, to love you, this wish is coming true! Starting today, The Unpleasantness is asking you, dear reader, to start submitting your own photos of you or your friends (if you have them) to share your best Bird Watching images with us. And if you don't have friends, this is a great opportunity to make some!

So get hopping. Submit your pictures to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com today! Do it! NOW!

Beauty is in the eye of the Boozeholder

2007-04-03T09:11:00.000-06:00

I call this piece of work Emptiness. In a sense, it is both beautiful and sad at the same time. Beautiful, because one can only imagine the lucious brown liquids that once flowed among the now silent ice cubes, yet the colors and textures left behind are warm and inviting. Sad, because there are two freakin' empty glasses there and the bartender still hasn't noticed! Who the heck do I have to sleep with to get some service around here?!?! Who? You? Well...alright then...

Bird Watching - 04/03/2007

2007-04-03T07:28:00.000-06:00

Some people are ashamed to be seen on The Unpleasantness because the content of the site isn't necessarily family friendly. This fellow is ashamed for an entire set of other reasons, not the least of which is his pink shirt.

Oh, and that guy flipping the bird and holding the drink? In Mexico he's a very famous porn star. And superhero. And drunk. Usually all at the same time.

Happiness has a new look

2007-04-02T08:23:00.000-06:00

Milwaukee Happy Hour has redesigned its layout, which means it's now that much more difficult for me to find pictures of drunk girls. I hate learning how to do new things, but I also hate violating my parole, and lurking in ladies' rooms waiting to snap photos of girls nearly passing out is strictly in violation of that. So I guess I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate around this thing until...whoah hey now there! Oh yeah...there they are...

Bird Watching - 04/02/2007

2007-04-02T07:24:00.000-06:00

What happens when you meet some strange guy in a bar, feed him vast amounts of alcohol, invite him into your home and leave the medicine cabinet unlocked? Frankly, I have no idea. But the friend of mine who left me his keys to his apartment over the weekend should be finding out just...about...now.

"Bam Bam" Bonsall

2007-03-30T14:29:00.000-06:00

It must be child star day here at The Unpleasantness, because what else could explain back-to-back posts about child stars? Brian Bonsall, the jump-the-shark baby from '80s mega-hit Family Ties, was arrested in Boulder, CO, for knocking around his girlfriend. I'm thinking it probably had something to do with him asking "Who's Brian Bonsall, bitch? WHO'S BRIAN BONSALL????" and her honestly not knowing the answer.

Fun Fact!

Did you know Brian Bonsall later went on to play Worf's son on Star Trek: The Next Generation, making him the first person responsible for two shows jumping the shark before the age of 15? Suck it, Ted McGinley!

Fun Fact II!
Did you know Brian Bonsall has absolutely nothing to do with Ms. Hotty McHotbox Kim Smith? Well, now you do!

Malcolm in the middle of the Pack

2007-03-30T13:24:00.000-06:00

I have a friend who looked exactly like Frankie Muniz long before Frankie Muniz even existed. Even though he tries to laugh it off, we all know that inside he's crying. So I'm thinking it might be some consolation to my friend that Frankie is moving away from acting (if that's what you want to call it) and towards a more manly thing like auto racing. Of course, Frankie may end up in a horribly disfiguring accident and the universe would balance itself out by having my friend attacked by a rabid howler monkey. With a switchblade. That knows karate.

Now, after spending so much time talking about Frankie Muniz, my friend and monkeys, here's a picture of Hilary Duff, who was in a movie with Frankie and has spent all her time since washing off the cooties. If my suspicions are correct, she's been using the drool soaked love letters I've been sending her to do so.

Bird Watching - 03/30/2007

2007-03-30T07:02:00.000-06:00

Such determination is rarely seen in bird watching, but I gotta admit this guy really means it. Immediately after this picture was taken, he turned around and slayed that giant behind him.

What's This?

2007-03-29T13:22:00.000-06:00

Is this:

A) a Martian mountain range?

B) Britney Spears' chins?

C) a map of the Suez Canal?

Scroll down for the answer!

If you answered D) None of the Above, you were correct! You're also a free thinker, because that wasn't an option. Or, you're just a jerk who can't follow the rules and should be purged from society.

What you were looking at is Joss Stone's butt as it sneaks out of her skirt. I'm not sure who Joss Stone is, but if I ever see her sitting at the mall like this I'll promptly introduce myself. As a butt inspector. I'll have a badge and everything.

Bird Watching - 03/29/2007

2007-03-29T07:26:00.000-06:00

They call this guy "Neck," supposedly because he doesn't have one. Based on that naming convention, people should start calling me "Morals." Or "Common Sense." Or "Hygiene." Any one of 'em will work.

Oral Exercise

2007-03-28T12:49:00.000-06:00

Wanna have some real fun? Say "Shannyn Sossamon." Fun, isn't it? Your mouth get's to make so many interesting and unique movements. Say it really fast over and over again and you may actually end up hurting yourself! Shannynsossamonshannynsossamonshannynsossamon! See! I told you!

Bird Watching - 03/28/2007

2007-03-28T12:46:00.000-06:00

This reminds me of something you might see in a horror movie that's a remake of something originally done in Japan. It's scary, but intriguing. Or lame. Lame and intriguing mean the same thing, right?

It's good to be the Prince

2007-03-27T11:19:00.000-06:00

It must be nice to be the future King of England, because you can get away with groping a chick's boob and having both her and her mother laugh it off. Then you take a leggy blonde back to your barracks (?!?!?) and kick her out at 4am because you're tired. Then you wake up in the morning and drive around a tank, running over or shooting at whatever you damned well please.

I can just imagine what William's itinerary looks like...

10am - Wake up. Drink three pints.

11:30am - Call Grand-mum, tell commanding officer to piss off cuz I'm on
the phone with the freakin' Queen.

11:35am - Drink four pints.

11:45am - Call pops. Rub it in that he'll never be the king because
he married horse face.

12noon - Lament mother's death.

12:01am - Get in tank. Drive to pub. Buy pints for entire
crew. Blow up pub.

2pm - Nap

7pm - Wake up. Eat steak and kidney pie.

8pm - Take Harrier jet to club. Grope
everything. Shove tongue down throats. All of them.

3am - Call girlfriend drunk. Tell her to suck it up. Throw in
"who be the king, beyatch!"

Bird Watching - 03/27/2007

2007-03-27T07:22:00.000-06:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again: bartenders love me. This one has to because I accused him of being my long-l0st father and now he pacifies me with alcohol as opposed to making up for years of not providing guidance and financial support. Thanks a lot, dad! That's no way to treat your own son! (Please don't stop).

Hot! Hot! Hot!

2007-03-26T15:09:00.000-06:00

It's one of the first beautiful days of the season today, which means all the ladies downtown are going to be dressed inappropriately (read: awesomely) skimpy today for work and that they'll flood the beer gardens to throw back margaritas as soon as five o'clock hits. I think I'll join them, only when I order my margarita, I'll ask that they hold the tequila, triple sec and ice and just put bourbon in the glass. You see, that's just how I roll. No, not always drinking bourbon, but drinking bourbon, calling it a margarita and making clicking noises at women as they walk on by. They love it because they don't have any choice!

Ask and ye shall receive

2007-03-26T07:19:00.000-06:00

The other day I made mention of keeping a back-up supply of bourbon in my shoe. Little did I know that I didn't have to constantly deal with sopping wet (yet delicious) socks in order to support my habit. Check out the Dram Sandle.

At first I thought it was called the Dream Sandle...not the Dram Sandle. Do you blame me?

[h/t Geekologie]

Bird Watching - 03/26/2007

2007-03-26T07:03:00.000-06:00

What's better than one bird? Two birds. What's better than two birds? Three birds. What's better than three birds? Four birds. What's better than four birds? A naughty picture of Eva Green.

(hey...I finally saw Casino Royale. Gimme a break!)

Bird Watching - 03/25/2007

2007-03-25T04:49:00.000-06:00

Oh mommy.

Bird Watching - 03/24/2007

2007-03-24T04:41:00.000-06:00

I met these guys for the first time a few weeks ago...or so I was told. The guy on the left is named Scruffy. It has nothing to do with his scruffy hair, but rather the fact that he's ready to get into a scruff at any given moment, just like he did with the plate of buffalo wings I offered them right after this picture was taken. Man, he tore that shit up!

El Bandito

2007-03-23T10:23:00.000-06:00

The first time I saw Carlos Mencia's stand-up routine I was happy to see that Paul Rodriguez was still working. Then I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to tell one Latino comic from the next. Then I felt angry because someone was making me watch this not-too-funny comic and trying to convince me that he was funny. And now I'm wondering how it's possible to be so un-funny when you're stealing material from one of the greatest comics ever.

And just so you don't think I'm a total ass when it comes to Latinos, here's a picture of who used to be my two favorite Latina television presenters since sliced tortillas, Carmen Dominicci & Barbara Bermudo.

Bad Timing

2007-03-23T10:03:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I went to a waterpark. One thing they fail to include in the brochures is that waterparks are closed during the winter. I guess it has something to do with how water reacts to sub-zero temperatures. Nevertheless, I take everything quite literally, so when the snickering receptionist at the resort took my reservation, I just assumed the waterpark would be open.

Hopefully, my ski trip to Vail this coming August will be much better.

Bird Watching - 03/23/2007 - Celebrity Edition

2007-03-23T07:38:00.000-06:00

I'm not entirely sure what Queen Latifah is the queen of. I'm thinking her royal credentials rank right up there with Burger King's or Dairy Queen's...and ever since they broke up it's been a black eye on the fast food royal family. Whoever will get ownership over the White Castle is still a mystery, and it won't be too long before those Hardees barbarians are crossing the border.

Just how many boners can the Joker make?

2007-03-22T14:55:00.000-06:00

Here's a list of the Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Panels. I'm not so sure what's so funny about this one, though, since I can sympathize with the Joker. I mean, what man among us wasn't glad to be carrying that grade school text at such a convenient moment? I, for one, was. But trying to explain why I was carrying a fifth grade math book into my last budget meeting did take some doing.

[h/t Geekologie]

Warning: May cause seizures

2007-03-22T09:00:00.000-06:00

I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

If you like to see your name up in lights (other than in that futuristic nighmare where you're wanted for a crime you didn't commit but still Big Brother is plastering your face and name on every video billboard this side of New Tokyo) then check out this site. Just be warned that if you try to enter the nickname you've given your genitalia, and you nickname your genetalia in the same way many latinos name their children (42 names, all ending in vowels) it probably won't fit on the sign. Trust me.

[h/t [BB-Blog]]

Bird Watching - 03/22/2007

2007-03-22T08:32:00.000-06:00

I know, I know. You were all worried that while I was taking some much needed vacation time Bird Watching was going to come to a screeching halt. Fear not, young padawans, my camera was with me at all times. Just like my trusty bottle of bourbon. And my back-up bottle of bourbon. And the emergency supply in my shoe. You'd think with all that bourbon, the world would be awful blurry to me. Well, you'd think right. And just so you can see what it's like, this picture is a bit blurry as well. I think she loves me, but she could just be showing me directions to the ceiling.

Bird Watching Extravaganza!

2007-03-16T12:06:00.000-06:00

I'll be out of town for a few days, so in my absence I thought I'd leave behind some pictures I've taken on my bird watching expeditions. And as an extra-special super-dooper bonus you'll get the biting, witty commentary you've all come to know, love and respect. I'm just like a respected dignitary. Or priest. Or a parrot with an impressive vocabulary.

This one didn't really want to be on camera, so she used her superhuman speed to blur her face. But you can still tell she's smiling, so she must be enjoying herself. Who wouldn't while giving me the finger?

This is my buddy Jules. He's a real bad-ass, if you consider living in the suburbs and driving a mini-van bad-ass. I've seen him rough up PTA members just for looking at him wrong!

With all those bottles in the background it took me quite some time to realize this was a picture of someone flipping me off! It was like one of those Where's Waldo? pictures, only with just one person right smack dab in the middle of the scene! I can't believe it took me three hours to find her!

They call this guy "the Dark One." This has nothing to do with the color of his skin, but rather that a shroud of darkness descends wherever he goes!

This particular girl gave me the finger the night we all went out to celebrate her birthday. Would you believe she's 78 years old! I didn't either. That's why after she passed out drunk I enlisted her in the Army. The Mexican Army.

Bartenders love me because I'm a friendly drunk and having me as a customer is like winning the lottery. This guy drives a Lamborghini, lives in a mansion and is married to six nymphomaniac supermodels, and that's just from my tips!

Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be back as soon as the heat's off...er...I mean...vacation is over!

Hep is Hip

2007-03-16T12:05:00.000-06:00

When I first heard that Bar Rafaeli may have Hepatitis A, I was relieved that we don''t have that club in my town so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Then I realized I was thinking of Bar Louis, which we actually do have, has crappy food and service, and so I suppose I wouldn't care if it had Hep A anyway. When I found out what a Bar Rafaeli was, I suddenly became extremely concerned over this development and did a little research. Turns out one of Wolfgang Puck's catering employees has the Hep and has been working at a bunch of star-studded events. Just freakin' great. It's bad enough I have to get $600 haircuts and buy all my clothes from Armani to be celebrity cool, but now I have to get a damned liver disease too! Is there no end to this?

(I should note that this really isn't new news, but instead an excuse for me to post a picture of Bar Rafaeli. To prove that, here's one more. I'm all about full disclosure.)

Bird Watching - 03/16/2007

2007-03-16T07:50:00.000-06:00

This is my friend the Osterizer. He asked that I share with you that he's the worst volleyball player ever. Although, that's not true. The worst volleyball player ever was a malnourished houseplant that used to be my best friend, right around the time Top Gun came out and everyone was doing that real cool high five. Of course, that was all before people loved me.

That's so sexy!

2007-03-15T11:29:00.000-06:00

This is a photo from a slideshow at mkeonline.com featuring a recent bellydancing exhibition at the Milwaukee Gay Arts Center.

I was torn over whether or not I should block out the breasts in this picture as I've so diligently done before, but then I wasn't sure if man-boobs really constituted nudity that needed to censored. Although that churning feeling in my stomach every time I look at this picture may make me reconsider. Let it be known now by everyone that bellydancing has forever lost any allure it ever had for me, unless it's done by Barbara Eden in her I Dream of Jeannie outfit. Or Larry Hagman. I'm not too picky.

Bird Watching - 03/15/2007

2007-03-15T11:28:00.000-06:00

Wow. Some people love me so much and just get so damned excited to see me, they can't help but grin from ear to ear. And give me the finger. And hold a drink. Talk about multi-tasking!

Katharine Mc"Pee"

2007-03-14T13:30:00.000-06:00

I'm one of those guys who likes to pretend women don't have normal bodily functions like peeing, pooping or farting, so I was surprised when I found this picture of Katharine McPhee posing like she's about to pop a squat in the forest attractive. It could be that since I know she's not really about to make a Lincoln Log that I find it hot, or that all that time I've spent in golden shower chat rooms is finally rubbing off on me.

You can see more pictures of Ms. McPhee here, most of them in non-potty poses.

SJP is BFU

2007-03-14T10:09:00.000-06:00

At some point in history the world must have experienced a collective beer-goggling incident because that's the only way I can explain Sarah Jessica Parker being passed off as good looking. She's like that girl you pick up in a dimly lit bar after too many shots of tequila that you insist is the most beautiful woman ever, only to have sobriety and sunshine later reveal to you that she's actually a donkey in low-rise jeans. Not that that's ever happened to me, I'm just sayin'.

Bird Watching - 03/14/2007

2007-03-14T07:29:00.000-06:00

This is Ardy. He saw my buddy and me drinking at a bar last night and noticed I was having bourbon, so he bought us each a shot of Woodford Reserve thinking we should give it a try. Little did Ardy know that 19% of my blood is made of Woodford Reserve, so, y'know, I've kinda had it before. But I gotta thank the guy for showing me the love!

UPDATE!
I forgot to mention that Ardy owns a bar in Evansville, Wisconsin called The Night Owl. If you're ever in his neck of the woods, stop in and show him the love!

Happy Anniversary!

2007-03-13T15:04:00.000-06:00

Today marks the 226th anniversary of the discovery of Uranus. Aw hell...I can't even continue with this post.

Official Endorsement

2007-03-13T11:57:00.000-06:00

While we here at The Unpleasantness prefer to remain neutral when it comes to politics, we just can't help but love 2008 presidential candidate Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey. A satanic vampire running as the Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party's candidate, Sharkey stands for impaling President Bush once he's elected to office.

Now that's one hell of a platform.

It should also be noted that the 42-year-old Sharkey has a 19-year-old wife. You da' man, Sharkey, you da' man!

Snoop Dogg Does Drugs

2007-03-13T09:28:00.000-06:00

Officer Sven: You-a know-a if-a we-a get-a one-a more-a bust-a Captain-a Gunderson-a promised-a us-a a month's-a supply-a of-a Swedish-a meatballs-a?

Officer Björn: Really-a?

Officer Sven: Yes-a! And-a I-a hear-a that-a Snoop-a Dogg-a is-a coming-a to-a town-a!

Officer Björn: This-a is-a gonna be-a so-a easy-a!

Snoop Dogg was recently arrested in Sweden for drug possession and I suspect for just being too shnizzle-tastic for the Swedes. If busting Snoop Dogg for drugs is a sign of good police work, then my suspicion that that Elton John is gay means I have great gay-dar.

Bird Watching - 03/13/2007

2007-03-13T07:39:00.001-06:00

Not one, but two, people love me!

I'm awesome!

Sober Girls Are...Sober

2007-03-12T13:13:00.001-06:00

I'd have to say it's been firmly established here that drunk girls are fun. On the flipside of that I think it's safe to say that sober girls are, well, sober. Not a lot you can say about that, other than, oh yeah, sober girls are not fun. I mean, could you find a picture of three girls at a drinking related event having less fun? Maybe you could if the picture was taken right after one of them had been told her boyfriend was cheating on her with her brother, but even that would be a stretch.

This picture is from a FUEL Milwaukee event. FM is a regular gathering of young professional Milwaukeeans. It's also the polar opposite of the Milwaukee Happy Hour. Now, I'm not saying you need to get all drunk and crazy to have a good time, just that you should get all drunk and crazy to have a good time.

Just as a reminder, here's a picture from MHH. See the difference? (hint: There's a girl kissing another girl. Now that's fun!)

Britney Spears' Underwear Tries To Escape

2007-03-12T09:50:00.000-06:00

This picture is from Worth1000's That's Embarassing! series of Photoshopped images of embarassing moments. Although I'm not entirely convinced this image was actually Photoshopped, considering that if I were her underwear I would do everything within my underwear power to get as far away from her crotch as possible. In fact, I imagine there'd be some sort of rehab center where I could go recover with the underwear of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan and we'd share our past traumas with one another in group therapy, only we'd be constantly interrupted by the screams coming from Rosie O'Donnell's escaped g-string.

Van Halen Dead, Walking

2007-03-12T08:50:00.000-06:00

I've heard rumors that Keith Richards has had to undergo full blood transfusions because of his rock and roll lifestyle. Little did I know that Eddie Van Halen was hanging outside the clinic waiting to inject himself with the blood they took out. Maybe he did it to somehow achieve the rockstar immortality Richards has, or maybe he just did it to spite Valerie Bertinelli so that someday people will look at these pictures and say, "why was Valerie Bertinelli once married to a zombie?" But seriously, Eddie, was that necessary? I've found that all it takes to spite Val is kicking her kitten. I'm not sure if that really spites her, but it sure makes me feel better. And isn't that what revenge is really all about?

Bird Watching - 03/12/2007

2007-03-12T07:43:00.000-06:00

This is my friend T.J., who flew into town from Hungary just to show me how much he loves me. You can tell he's been in another country for quite some time just by looking at the position of his finger. Foreigners...they're just so backwards!

Get one now!

2007-03-10T18:01:00.000-06:00

If one of your life-long dreams has been to own a three-dimensional replica of a crazy-ass bald Britney Spears, dream no longer. Just visit this page, hit print and start folding! Just beware, it's awful lifelike and there's a good chance it will scare pets and make you uneasy whenever you look at it. Just like the real Britney Spears!

Bird Watching - 03/10/2007

2007-03-10T13:08:00.000-06:00

I like shiny things, and this finger is surrounded by them. But frankly, I think this one only loves me half-heartedly.

Disfigured Girls Need Love Too

2007-03-09T12:55:00.000-06:00

Someone named JLaRock is claiming Milwaukee bar EVE discriminates...

I am not a bad looking girl, overweight or disfigured but everytime I try to go
to EVE I get told that I need to be on a list or have a stamp or something from
the manager in order to get in. It's funny though how when I go with my friend
that is tall, blonde and looks like a super model there is no such thing as a
list or a stamp.

What the fudge? Is she saying that if she were bad looking, overweight or disfigured that EVE would be justified in not letting her in?

I think I know what the problem is here. Much in the same way somewhat chubby girls hang out with really chubby girls to look thinner, or I hang out with Mark Concannon to look like a fashion superstar, this girl needs to stop hanging out with her tall, blonde supermodel-looking friend so she no longer appears bad looking, overweight or disfigured. Really, it's all just relative.

Interesting Fact!

The picture above is actually of Brooke Burns from Shallow Hal. And because you were forced to look at that, here's a picture of what she normally looks like. Except first thing in the morning, when her hair is usually more matted. But I never let that bother me.

Booze is Beautiful

2007-03-09T11:56:00.000-06:00

Some people find beauty in nature. Others find it in art. Me, I find it in the blurry images of top-shelf liquor. I also find it in the bottles of said liquor. And the bartender who served it to me. And that nice man who shared his peanut bowl with me. And that girl sitting at the end of the bar. Wait, that is a girl, right? Oh, who cares, it'll all be good in the morning.

Brady Bags Bundchen

2007-03-09T08:30:00.000-06:00

After knocking up his then-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, it's now rumored that Patriots QB Tom Brady has gotten supermodel Gisele Bundchen pregnant. Keep in mind this comes only a month after the announcement that Moynahan is pregnant.

Frankly, I don't know what took Brady so long. A month? Seriously, if I walked into a room and saw this, I think my sperm would literally jump out of my body and make a bee-line for her ovaries.

Too graphic? Sure, maybe, but that's just the way biology is.

Bird Watching - 03/09/2007

2007-03-09T08:21:00.000-06:00

Some people love me. And some people really love me. Judging by the look of excitement here, I'm going to say this bird falls in the latter.

A certain part of me is confused

2007-03-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

I have this friend who takes great pride in the fact that he'll sleep with anyone famous. And when I say anyone, I mean anyone. That's why it's always so uncomfortable whenever Ray Romano is in the room and Angela Lansbury keeps calling him drunk off her keester at 3 in the morning. Me, I stick with the infamous or the insane. So I felt a little odd when I saw this picture and the first thing that occurred to me was that I would tag that.

Maybe it's because she falls into the insane category. Or maybe it's just because I'm lonely. Either way, I feel dirty.

Added bonus!
Here's a picture of my friend hiding his face from the paparazzi when he was spotted out with Roseanne Barr. Believe you me, that was one rough night!

International Women's Day

2007-03-08T12:20:00.000-06:00

Today is International Women's Day. In honor of this, all women should be excused from working. And driving. And voting.

Prodigy

2007-03-08T09:21:00.000-06:00

If you thought the pictures at Milwaukee Happy Hour were only about hot girls or drunk girls you thought wrong. Sometimes they're about drunk babies. If I didn't know better, I'd say this might be one of my kids, but all the kids I have are somewhere in southeast Asia waiting for Angelina Jolie to adopt them.

Bird Watching - 03/08/2007

2007-03-08T08:27:00.000-06:00

Good lord. That bird is huge!

Oh...and people still love me.

Drunk Girls Are Fun

2007-03-07T14:51:00.000-06:00

Leave it to the folks at Milwaukee Happy Hour to remind all of us what's able to happen to our faces when we drink. At least, I hope it's drinking that caused this. Otherwise, that girl is made of some sort of goo and we'll need to get Batman on this case pronto!

Bird Watching Special Edition

2007-03-07T11:36:00.000-06:00

If it weren't for the fact that she was wearing a bikini, thus causing the previously-thought-to-be-impossible anti-erection, I'd say this was the best picture of Kirsten Dunst ever, because she's covering her face with a Carl Sagan book. I think Sagan may have a lawsuit on his hands, but he'll have to get in line. My eyes! My eyes!

I know the feeling

2007-03-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

I have this recurring nightmare that after gorging myself at Taco Bell and while driving home, I suddenly realize that what I just ate is making a sudden run for the border, so it's imperative that I start driving as fast as I can. But then a cop pulls up behind me, turns on his lights and insists I pull over, which I do in spite of my undeniable need to expunge the evidence of my most recent meal. As he walks up to my car and I'm performing a clench unlike any clench I've ever clenched before, I imagine my face would look something like this.

Oh yeah, and Britney Spears is the Real Ultimate Power, which is only one step below me, the Super Fantastic Ultimate Power Booyah!

The Feedback is Hurting my Ears!

2007-03-07T08:44:00.000-06:00

In response to this post, someone commented that this blog seems to feature a lot of skanky hoes, and says:

Still not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing.

It's a good thing, Ally, a good thing. But just so you don't think this place is all about that sort of stuff, I'm giving you a picture of a pony. Girls like ponies, don't they?

Bird Watching - 03/07/2007

2007-03-07T08:42:00.000-06:00

Just to show you that people's love for me knows no bounds, here's a picture of a guy sharing it with great enthusiasm.

But it's like a brother. A brother!

Thinnest Fabric Ever Discovered by Christina Aguilera

2007-03-06T16:00:00.000-06:00

So, I guess there's this singer or dancer or musician or something like that named Christina Aguilera. Frankly, I'd never heard of her before today, but I gotta admit I'm seriously impressed by her body painting abilities, and want to see more of it. Much more of it. But first I'll need to get more fluids in my body because after seeing these pictures, I think I'm about to pass out. When I do, please just let me be for a while, especially if there's a smile on my face.

A Treatise on Dane "Tool" Cook

2007-03-06T10:39:00.000-06:00

Once, this girl I was dating made me sit down and watch a half hour of Dane Cook's stand-up routine on You Tube. Apparently a bunch of her friends thought he was the funniest thing since sliced bread, which now makes a lot of sense because sliced bread really isn't that funny at all. In fact, sliced bread is almost exactly the opposite of funny, unless it's buttered with Father Guido Sarducci, in which case it would be the funniest thing ever. Note how with all that I just said, nothing points to Dane Cook being anywhere near funny. That's because he and his fans are all tools.

I've heard of this knob-shine being referred to as the "frat boys' comic," which means a lot of guys are going around saying things like "yah, brah, Dane Cook is the shizzit." Since most of these guys are white, that they're using words like "shizzit" to describe anything should be the first clue that their opinions are about as worthless as Dane Cook's entire routine. All we can hope for is that the ghost of Richard Pryor, who once said "If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it's that simple," will haunt Cook and set his head on fire.

And since you've tolerated my rant, here's a picture of Rachel McAdams, who is as hot as Dane Cook is un-funny.

Bird Watching - 03/06/2007

2007-03-06T08:52:00.000-06:00

Further proof that people love me.

Sienna Miller Digs Drugs

2007-03-06T08:17:00.000-06:00

Sienna Miller, who took morphine to research her role as Edie Sedgwick in the movie Factory Girl, recently revealed she takes drugs because "they're fun."

They're f**k loads of fun. If I had a drug of choice it would be magic mushrooms.

Obviously Sienna is full of it, because there's nothing "magic" about those mushrooms. It's all just a naturally occurring chemical reaction. What she must be thinking about is that time I slipped some magic beans in her drink. Only they weren't beans, they were gel caps. And they weren't so much magic as they were Nyquil.

Nyquil: The sniffling, sneezing, Sienna Miller is passed out on my bathroom floor medicine!

Sheepskin dispenser

2007-03-05T13:31:00.000-06:00

Just the other day I was thinking about how life would be so much easier if some sort of device were invented for use in condom application. It seems using your bare hands is not only unsanitary, but unworthy of such a momentous occassion. Think about trying to pound a nail without a hammer, or dig a hole without a shovel or demonstrating insanity without Britney Spears. Finally, a tool for covering the tool.

Now, if only I could meet a woman, it would make using something like this so much more practical.

Hollywood hates me

2007-03-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

If someone had ever told me there'd be a movie starring Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen, John Travolta and William H. Macy about middle-aged guys riding motorcycles I'd have punched them in the face and told them to stop taking me for a fool. Well, I guess I'd have to take that punch back and apologize. Then I'd have to drive to Hollywood and punch all four of these actors, starting with Tim Allen because he owes me money. But maybe that's why he took the role, to pay off all his debts. As for Martin Lawrence, I think he's just trying to occupy his time until he makes Martin: The Movie, which he'd better get done soon because the older he gets the worse he looks in drag.

Basketball and beer

2007-03-05T10:12:00.000-06:00

Saturday night I had the luxury of witnessing Marquette's victory over Pittsburgh in a Bradley Center suite. One thing people may be unaware of is that these suites are always stocked with gigantic cans of beer. The two beer limit the suite owner usually imposes is therefore misleading, as I typically end up drinking somewhere between 10 and 15 gallons of MGD each time I'm there. Coincidentally, after the first beer, I also realize I'd make a much better mascot than any team has to offer and attempt to prove it right then and there. This last time, I was a monkey in the fetal position.

On a completely unrelated topic, I also discovered how easy it is to take random pictures of people in a gyro joint at 3am without anyone noticing. Most people would take note of a man with a camera-phone pretending to be monkey holding a gigantic beer can, but apparently Greek food has this way of making people ignore the obvious.

Some show about "singing"

2007-03-05T09:57:00.000-06:00

I don't watch American Idol, mainly because I prefer my musicians to have earned their success the hard way, with things like rehearsing in their parents' garages, heroin addictions and making deals with the devil. Another reason I don't watch it is because apparently there are a bunch of hotties that get on the show but are encouraged to keep their clothes on, in spite of a history of taking them off.

At War Memorials.

With cameras present.

If that isn't a sign of talent, then nothing is.

Out of line

2007-03-05T07:36:00.000-06:00

I'm generally not a fan of chain bars. For one thing, if I'm kicked out of one I end up on some sort of "list" that gets me kicked out of all of them. And since I'm not a fan of them to begin with, I end up being kicked out a whole lot. I suppose that could be a good thing, since I'm sort of consolidating my efforts when it comes to being banned from some place, so, you know, silver lining and all.

But what really gets me is when I see a line to get into a bar in Milwaukee. Saturday night some forty people had to be waiting in line to get into Bar Louie on Water Street. Even more sensible people were seen to be yelling such things as "there's no freakin' way I'm waiting in line to get into Bar Louie!" or "You're all a bunch of stupid X@$#! sheep!" (I was in the second group.) I just don't understand how with as many bars as there are in this town anyone would want to wait in line to get into what's really nothing more than an Applebees serving fancy drinks! Or why they just don't carry their booze in a brown paper bag and listen to music on a boom box on the street corner the way I do. No lines there, baby!

People Love Me

2007-03-03T14:18:00.000-06:00

If there's one thing I know to be true, it's that my endearing personality and rock star charm make people want to be my friend and give me things without my even having to ask. Just look at this young lady as proof. I didn't even have to ask her to give me the finger, she just did. See? If that doesn't show that people love me, I don't know what does. And I have a fairly healthy concept of love, which is always good.

Milwaukee is Happy

2007-03-02T16:00:00.000-06:00

Generally I'm not one to buy into coordinated drinking events. Those are for amateurs and I consider myself a seasoned professional. The difference between us professionals and amateurs is that we not only know the exact amounts of alcohol required to make us stronger, better looking and more charming, but also exactly how much alcohol is required to make other people better looking.

But after finding out about Milwaukee Happy Hour and browsing through some of the pictures from previous events, I may be convinced to tone down my A-game and run with the amateurs for an evening or two. After all, if the attendees look anything like those in the picture above (minus the girl on the left who for some reason was included in the photo in spite of her wearing far too many clothes), the hour won't be the only thing that's happy. And by that I'm talking about something in my pants, just in case you didn't get that.