Friday, April 13, 2007

Lin-Lo + K-Fed

What the fudge is wrong with Lindsay Lohan? For that matter, what the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with Kevin Federline? Rumor has it the two have started dating, or at least "made love," but with these two is there really any difference? If it were a date, I'd picture Kevin picking Lindsay up with his pants around his ankles (which he could conveniently pass off as hard-core rapper fashion) and Lindsay opening the door already half way to climaxing. If it were making love, I can imagine Lindsay spending the entire time texting her friends stuff like "OMG IM DOING KFED!!! :):):)" and "SKRU BRIT!" Meanwhile, Federline wouldn't even be in the same room because he couldn't figure out how to work the bathroom doorknob. But that wouldn't matter, because from what I hear about Lindsay's cooter, you technically just need to be in the same zip code as her to be doing the nasty.

For the record, K-Fed has managed to knock up not one, but two women...neither of which he's currently with. I guess the new hotness is single fatherhood without the responsibility of child-rearing. Looks like I've got some work to do!

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 10:01 AM | | Abuse

Bird Watching - 04/13/2007

If there's one way you can piss off a restaurant manager, it's by asking her if you can do something that's normally against the rules and following it up with "we do spend a lot of money here." Another way to do it is by asking "do you know who I am?" But the best way of doing it is by impersonating a famous food critic, ordering everything on the menu and yelling "merde!" after each bite.

How, you may ask, does one impersonate a food critic? Monocles. It's all about the monocles. And if you wear two, then you obviously mean business.

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Posted by The Unpleasantness at 6:40 AM | | Abuse

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Frankie Muniz strikes again

When I heard that Frankie Muniz was turning his back on acting to pursue a career in auto-racing I was somewhat happy for the guy. After all, he wasn't that great an actor to begin with and just went to prove that you should never invest in someone's career before they hit puberty. But now I'm just worried about the guy. First, our crack team of paparazzi here at The Unpleasantness catches him eyeing up the ladies at a state fair and now we find him passing his time scaring the crap out of bunnies and babies. Maybe he thought auto-racing was a euphamism for "going nutbags." Or maybe he's just upset that Allesandra Ambrosio won't return his phone calls. I'm totally speculating on that second one, but that's just because I'm hoping someone else out there can empathize with my plight. And I wanted a reason to post a picture of Allesandra Ambrosio. See how that works?

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 11:00 AM | | Abuse

McAdams to Marry. The Unpleasantness Cries

Rachel McAdams, poster-girl for all that is hot, hot, hot and the only reason I watched The Notebook, is set to marry longtime beau Ryan Gosling in a low-profile ceremony.

They seem to be happy together and all, but wishing them the best would just be so insincere. It would be like losing the election for class president and then pledging all your support for the winner, only you've already started making plans to steal his girlfriend and frame his parents for treason.

Who's laughing now, Todd?!?!?

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 8:17 AM | | Abuse

Bird Watching - 04/12/2007

Black nail polish? Dang...you just know she means it! Black always shows someone means it. That's why I'm so proud to have a heart made of cold, black stone. And sugardrops!

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Posted by The Unpleasantness at 6:56 AM | | Abuse

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Gettin' your 4H on

Some people go to state fairs for the food. Others go for the rides. Still others go for the livestock competitions.

This guy, he goes in search of his future wife. And I'm pretty certain he's found her. Poor, poor girl.

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 12:23 PM | | Abuse

Don't Touch Me There

Milwaukee Happy Hour just never fails to provide. By "provide," I obviously mean giving me pictures of drunk people doing/allowing others to do things I just don't get in my normal daily course of practicing law from the back of a city bus. And if anybody thinks of claiming I'm an attorney, I'll sue your pants off. Then I'll take a picture of that and post it here. So just mind your Ps and Qs, pal.

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 11:11 AM | | Abuse

Bird Watching - 04/11/2007

Never before in the history of bird watching has someone meant it as much as she does. They always say there's some truth to every joke. Do you know what else there's always some truth to? Truth. So sayeth The Unpleasantness.

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Posted by The Unpleasantness at 7:11 AM | | Abuse

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Scientifically Drooling

Sometimes I really feel sorry for Jews and Muslims. No, it isn't because they haven't accepted Christ as their true lord and savior, but rather that they haven't accepted bacon as their true lord and savior. Sure, they can eat beef or turkey bacon, but we all know that's about as close to real bacon as I am to being the real heir to the Russian throne. Sure, maybe the British throne, or the Super-Sexy-Stud throne, but the Russian throne? No way.

Anyhoo, from The Sun Online, some scientists in England have come up with the formula for the perfect bacon sandwich:


N = C + {fb(cm) . fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc . ta

N = force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon.
fb = function of the bacon type.
fc = function of the condiment/filling effect.
Ts = serving temperature. tc = cooking time.
ta = time or duration of application of condiment/filling.
cm = cooking method.
C = Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.
Considering the British spend £1 billion on bacon a year (that's nearly $2 billion in real money) this was apparently cash well spent. And now that they've solved this riddle of the universe, they can finally turn their attention to researching the more pressing matter of why British hotbox Sienna Miller just can't seem to keep her hands off me.
[h/t YesButNoButYes]

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 10:12 AM | | Abuse

Hallowang, or another excuse for girls to dress like sluts

One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it's become an excuse for girls to dress in ways that would give their grandmothers heart attacks. Hell, some of the costumes would give me heart attacks if it weren't for my home-made pacemaker and regular diet of garlic and nitroglycerin. That's why I'm so excited some guy in Milwaukee is trying to start his own holiday, Hallowang. So, if you just can't wait another six months to dress up as your favorite Friends character, hippie, kitty cat or one-eyed worm (seriously...I had a friend do that once), then set aside April 28th to hit the town and check out all the dirty girls...er...I mean costumes.

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 8:25 AM | | Abuse

Bird Watching - 04/10/2007


This guy insisted on not only giving me the finger, but then showing me all five...one for each member of my family. Even though he thinks he's being funny, what he's really doing is forcing me to have flashbacks to the backhands my father used to give me to "build character." Build character my ass! All they did was make me a bitter man unable to have healthy relationships. But I can take a punch. Come on. I dare you!

Fun Fact!
Did you know that gay bartenders are the best bartenders ever? That's because their limp-wristed pouring action in combination with the weight of the bottle results in gravity taking over and some of the best pours around. Don't believe me? Take a look at the pour below. That's a bourbon...neat. Oh yeah.


So tip your gay bartenders well. And keep hoping that your straight bartenders switch teams!

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Posted by The Unpleasantness at 7:08 AM | | Abuse

Monday, April 9, 2007

I know what I like

I heard of this artist who once used a urinal as a piece of artwork. This must be the explanation for why I took a picture of these urinals. It also probably explains why I believe urinals and most other works of art interchangeable. And that explains why I'm not allowed in the Louvre any longer.

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 11:41 AM | | Abuse

Hey Sexy!

After a particularly rough Friday night, I found this picture on my camera-phone the next day. I had no idea who the picture was of, and was a tad concerned over the fact that it appeared to be taken in a bathroom and the person is sticking his tongue out at me. Well, I did wake up in my bed the next morning without any unusual soreness, so it couldn't have been all that bad, but still, I was a little worried.

Then, after hours of concern, I realized it was a picture of me. Damn, I'm one hot sexy guy. And that's been independently verified in several scientific labs, some of which have also confirmed that certain Taco Bell offerings truly are "good to go."

Posted by The Unpleasantness at 8:33 AM | | Abuse

Bird Watching - 04/08/2007

This guy is a good friend and a former bartender, which is actually kind of redundant. If you think about it, "good friend" is also sort of redundant. I mean, if you had a "bad" friend, wouldn't that be an enemy? And if you really think about what a bartender does to you, wouldn't that make him your enemy? Which means this guy isn't a good friend at all!

Holy crap! I just blew my mind!

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Posted by The Unpleasantness at 7:14 AM | | Abuse

If you've gotten this far, congratulations. You can read more by going to the archives. Or you can just imagine what else might be here without clicking anything. Might I recommend a fine bottle of bourbon to accompany your fantasies? I thought so.