Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Bird Watching - 05/09/2007

God bless the parents of this beautiful child for teaching him the value of expressing himself at such a young age.

In sixteen years that bottle won't have milk in it. But the finger and expression will still be the same.

Submit your Bird Watching photos to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com

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Thursday, May 3, 2007

Dirty Sanchez

Have you ever been in bed with one or more people of the same or opposite sex and said to yourself, "man, this is some crazy, fucked up shit! I wonder what it's called!?!?" C'mon, we all know that's happened on at least one occassion. Well, wonder no more, because the Deviant Sex Act Fabricator can assist you in giving a name to even your most sickening predilections.

One of the nifty things about the site is that it allows you to offer up definitions for the acts it randomly generates. I'm not entirely sure what a "Bulgarian power juicer" might be, but I have a feeling it would involve a pommel horse, a bucket of Jergens and some guy named Stosh.

[h/t [BB-Blog]]

Good Advice

A friend of mine is an aspiring advice columnist and I've asked if The Unpleasantness could host his column. He agreed, but only after some vigorous Greco-Roman wrestling.

Dear Diablo,

My life seems empty and meaningless. I spend too much time alone, food
doesn't taste good, I sleep poorly and derive little satisfaction from the
things that formerly brought me great pleasure. Any ideas how I might get
out of this funk?

Desperate in Milwaukee


Dear DIM,

1. Get a life
2. Get a dog.
3. Drink better bourbon, and more of it more frequently.
4. Don't ever attempt contact me in any way, shape or form again, or I will
slap a restraining order on you so quick and hard you will beg for mercy. I
may also have you hunted down for sport and ritualistically slaughtered to
slake my unending bloodlust.

You're a pathetic whiner.

Love,
El Diablo


If you want advice from El Diablo, send an e-mail to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com. If you're unlucky, he'll answer.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

¬°Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaal!

One of my friend's greatest fears is that his daughter will grow up and want to play soccer. He's closely monitoring her ankle thickness and praying daily that she doesn't come home with a femullet. This Playboy layout of the Brazillian women's soccer team is bound to beset him with a whole new collection of fears, not the least of which is that I'm now the world's biggest fan of women's soccer. Ever!

Slightly Confused

Two girls kissing can be one of the most awesomest things in the world, right up there with two girls dancing (man, I miss high school dances) and two girls making me a peanut butter sandwich. But when one of the girls is so utterly confused that her tongue is trying to find the mark but her head just won't cooperate, it's not so much awesome as it is frustrating, like trying to watch a one-armed man clap, or trying to get him to wave at you while he's hanging from a tree branch. You know, they only ever fall for that once. Get it? Fall! Lordy, I kill me.

Bird Watching - 04/24/2007

Hey! Tough guy! You lookin' at me? YOU LOOKIN' AT ME!?!?

Oh...that's for the person over my shoulder? Well, I'll move out of the way then.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Bird Watching: 04/23/2007

What's better than having a bartender flip you off? Having the beer delivery guy flip you off.

Go to the source, I always say. Go to the source.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Hug That Pillow

It's not often that I post e-mails I receive to The Unpleasantness. In fact, I've never posted an e-mail I've received to The Unpleasantness. Once I was going to post one I received about how I could be "more of a man," but there was no freakin' way I was letting that secret out. So, instead, I'm going to post the e-mail I just received from my friend Captain 40oz Hands:

Don't jinx the Brewers thing, ahole. Anywho, [name removed to protect the
innocent], FROLF today in the sunshine. Right when you get off of work on 62nd
and Keef (rhyms with queef, the front grunt or the action that was related to my
friend [name removed to protect the guilty] in confidence and then
that confidence was broken and my course of life was altered, I could have been
married to [name removed to protect everyone] and my house would have
been clean but I would have cats instead of dogs so lets call it even). FROLF
won't take you an hour and it is most enjoyable.

So, here is my lastest master plan. Evidently, my fiancee thinks I am
disgusting when I get drunk. Evidently, it was always that way and she never
told me. It has just now become more and more noticeable. She says things like,
"Gees, I didn't know you like Jagermeister that much!" and "You smell like
booze." She has even broken down my latest defense tactic, the stress of work.
When she says that I drink to much (which has now been regulated to pretty much
just Fridays), I say that I work with cancer kids. Now she says that I always
use that as an excuse. That's an effin tough stance. She doesn't even care about
the cancer kids. Heartless.

So my new tactic is honesty. It is time to stand up for my testicles. I
am unashamed and unabashed in my hedonism and manhood. I work and I do the
dishes and I go to school and the bills are paid. I can get effin drunk when and
where I want. If I want a drink I am going to have it, dammit. And then I am
going to have five. Get outamy face woman and watch out 'cause I'm horney. Hug
that pillow. It's midnight and I started at 3 in the afternoon and I am going to
light this cigarette and open another beer because of these nutz I got palmed
right here. I would make you feel beter if you got down on your pretty little
knees and just smooched them right effin now. And then go to the store and get
me another pack of Camel lights. And effin hard pack this time, comprende? I'll
pay you back tomorrow, toots. Thanks.

I think this'll work out for me.


Yep.

Bird Watching - 04/20/2007

This fellow just earned his citizenship and he's celebrating by flipping me off. That's the beauty of being an American! And immediately after this photo was taken we handed him a gun, shipped him over-seas and told him to get to work protecting this great nation of ours. Thanks, pal!

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Bird Watching - 04/19/2007

"What is this? What could I do with it? How could I possibly use this one small thing to communicate to the world how I feel about it? Ooooohhhhh...I've got an idea!"

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bird Watching Video

Few people know where most of my bird watching takes place. This fellow does. So today not only marks the first ever reader submitted bird watching, but also the first ever video bird watching. It also marks the first time I've ever tried Ethiopian food, but that's really neither here nor there.

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Bird Watching - 04/18/2007

This is the first in a [hopefully] long line of reader submitted bird watching and I have to say that it brings a tear to my eye every time I look at it. Sure, it's one thing for people I know to flip me off, but it's completely different to have a total stranger flipping me off. Kinda like church.

Remember, you too can submit your bird watching photos by sending an e-mail to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com!

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Disturbingly Arousing

Milwaukee Happy Hour provides us with a great opportunity to see all the fun people have when they're out and about, drinking, having a good time and HOLY CRAP! Look at the size of that chick's tongue! And look at her arms! Is that even a chick? As my friend Buzz once said as Miss Gay Latina Wisconsin walked by, "Dude, that's a dude." And as I responded, "I don't care. He's still hot."

I feel like I need to cleanse myself now.

Bird Watching - 04/17/2007

My how time flies. Here I am waking up this morning, thinking it's Monday, all set to put up the first Bird Watching post of the week. Then I realize it's actually Tuesday! And I have no idea where it is I'm waking up! Or where my pants are! Or why all those studio lights are shining down on me! And what in the world is that stain?

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Friday, April 13, 2007

Lin-Lo + K-Fed

What the fudge is wrong with Lindsay Lohan? For that matter, what the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with Kevin Federline? Rumor has it the two have started dating, or at least "made love," but with these two is there really any difference? If it were a date, I'd picture Kevin picking Lindsay up with his pants around his ankles (which he could conveniently pass off as hard-core rapper fashion) and Lindsay opening the door already half way to climaxing. If it were making love, I can imagine Lindsay spending the entire time texting her friends stuff like "OMG IM DOING KFED!!! :):):)" and "SKRU BRIT!" Meanwhile, Federline wouldn't even be in the same room because he couldn't figure out how to work the bathroom doorknob. But that wouldn't matter, because from what I hear about Lindsay's cooter, you technically just need to be in the same zip code as her to be doing the nasty.

For the record, K-Fed has managed to knock up not one, but two women...neither of which he's currently with. I guess the new hotness is single fatherhood without the responsibility of child-rearing. Looks like I've got some work to do!

Bird Watching - 04/13/2007

If there's one way you can piss off a restaurant manager, it's by asking her if you can do something that's normally against the rules and following it up with "we do spend a lot of money here." Another way to do it is by asking "do you know who I am?" But the best way of doing it is by impersonating a famous food critic, ordering everything on the menu and yelling "merde!" after each bite.

How, you may ask, does one impersonate a food critic? Monocles. It's all about the monocles. And if you wear two, then you obviously mean business.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Frankie Muniz strikes again

When I heard that Frankie Muniz was turning his back on acting to pursue a career in auto-racing I was somewhat happy for the guy. After all, he wasn't that great an actor to begin with and just went to prove that you should never invest in someone's career before they hit puberty. But now I'm just worried about the guy. First, our crack team of paparazzi here at The Unpleasantness catches him eyeing up the ladies at a state fair and now we find him passing his time scaring the crap out of bunnies and babies. Maybe he thought auto-racing was a euphamism for "going nutbags." Or maybe he's just upset that Allesandra Ambrosio won't return his phone calls. I'm totally speculating on that second one, but that's just because I'm hoping someone else out there can empathize with my plight. And I wanted a reason to post a picture of Allesandra Ambrosio. See how that works?

McAdams to Marry. The Unpleasantness Cries

Rachel McAdams, poster-girl for all that is hot, hot, hot and the only reason I watched The Notebook, is set to marry longtime beau Ryan Gosling in a low-profile ceremony.

They seem to be happy together and all, but wishing them the best would just be so insincere. It would be like losing the election for class president and then pledging all your support for the winner, only you've already started making plans to steal his girlfriend and frame his parents for treason.

Who's laughing now, Todd?!?!?

Bird Watching - 04/12/2007

Black nail polish? Dang...you just know she means it! Black always shows someone means it. That's why I'm so proud to have a heart made of cold, black stone. And sugardrops!

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Gettin' your 4H on

Some people go to state fairs for the food. Others go for the rides. Still others go for the livestock competitions.

This guy, he goes in search of his future wife. And I'm pretty certain he's found her. Poor, poor girl.

Don't Touch Me There

Milwaukee Happy Hour just never fails to provide. By "provide," I obviously mean giving me pictures of drunk people doing/allowing others to do things I just don't get in my normal daily course of practicing law from the back of a city bus. And if anybody thinks of claiming I'm an attorney, I'll sue your pants off. Then I'll take a picture of that and post it here. So just mind your Ps and Qs, pal.

Bird Watching - 04/11/2007

Never before in the history of bird watching has someone meant it as much as she does. They always say there's some truth to every joke. Do you know what else there's always some truth to? Truth. So sayeth The Unpleasantness.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Scientifically Drooling

Sometimes I really feel sorry for Jews and Muslims. No, it isn't because they haven't accepted Christ as their true lord and savior, but rather that they haven't accepted bacon as their true lord and savior. Sure, they can eat beef or turkey bacon, but we all know that's about as close to real bacon as I am to being the real heir to the Russian throne. Sure, maybe the British throne, or the Super-Sexy-Stud throne, but the Russian throne? No way.

Anyhoo, from The Sun Online, some scientists in England have come up with the formula for the perfect bacon sandwich:


N = C + {fb(cm) . fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc . ta

N = force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon.
fb = function of the bacon type.
fc = function of the condiment/filling effect.
Ts = serving temperature. tc = cooking time.
ta = time or duration of application of condiment/filling.
cm = cooking method.
C = Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.
Considering the British spend £1 billion on bacon a year (that's nearly $2 billion in real money) this was apparently cash well spent. And now that they've solved this riddle of the universe, they can finally turn their attention to researching the more pressing matter of why British hotbox Sienna Miller just can't seem to keep her hands off me.
[h/t YesButNoButYes]

Hallowang, or another excuse for girls to dress like sluts

One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it's become an excuse for girls to dress in ways that would give their grandmothers heart attacks. Hell, some of the costumes would give me heart attacks if it weren't for my home-made pacemaker and regular diet of garlic and nitroglycerin. That's why I'm so excited some guy in Milwaukee is trying to start his own holiday, Hallowang. So, if you just can't wait another six months to dress up as your favorite Friends character, hippie, kitty cat or one-eyed worm (seriously...I had a friend do that once), then set aside April 28th to hit the town and check out all the dirty girls...er...I mean costumes.

Bird Watching - 04/10/2007


This guy insisted on not only giving me the finger, but then showing me all five...one for each member of my family. Even though he thinks he's being funny, what he's really doing is forcing me to have flashbacks to the backhands my father used to give me to "build character." Build character my ass! All they did was make me a bitter man unable to have healthy relationships. But I can take a punch. Come on. I dare you!

Fun Fact!
Did you know that gay bartenders are the best bartenders ever? That's because their limp-wristed pouring action in combination with the weight of the bottle results in gravity taking over and some of the best pours around. Don't believe me? Take a look at the pour below. That's a bourbon...neat. Oh yeah.


So tip your gay bartenders well. And keep hoping that your straight bartenders switch teams!

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Monday, April 9, 2007

I know what I like

I heard of this artist who once used a urinal as a piece of artwork. This must be the explanation for why I took a picture of these urinals. It also probably explains why I believe urinals and most other works of art interchangeable. And that explains why I'm not allowed in the Louvre any longer.

Hey Sexy!

After a particularly rough Friday night, I found this picture on my camera-phone the next day. I had no idea who the picture was of, and was a tad concerned over the fact that it appeared to be taken in a bathroom and the person is sticking his tongue out at me. Well, I did wake up in my bed the next morning without any unusual soreness, so it couldn't have been all that bad, but still, I was a little worried.

Then, after hours of concern, I realized it was a picture of me. Damn, I'm one hot sexy guy. And that's been independently verified in several scientific labs, some of which have also confirmed that certain Taco Bell offerings truly are "good to go."

Bird Watching - 04/08/2007

This guy is a good friend and a former bartender, which is actually kind of redundant. If you think about it, "good friend" is also sort of redundant. I mean, if you had a "bad" friend, wouldn't that be an enemy? And if you really think about what a bartender does to you, wouldn't that make him your enemy? Which means this guy isn't a good friend at all!

Holy crap! I just blew my mind!

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Friday, April 6, 2007

Bird Watching - 04/06/2007

You're getting a two-fer today because I neglected my bird watching duties yesterday. But give me a break. Being a superstar secret agent male model executive chef stud isn't all fun and games. Sometimes it's just fun. And games.

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Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Say Cheese!

Mothers should be proud whenever they find pictures of their children up at Milwaukee Happy Hour. I only hope that someday when I have children (that I acknowledge) I'll have taught them that dry-humping in public during the daytime while holding a PBR isn't only appropriate, it's required to be a useful member of society.

Oh...so is licking your friend's boob for the camera.

Where's the beef?



I'm sick and tired of people telling me to say it with flowers. It's far too cliche and, to be frank, sneaking into my neighbor's yard to steal roses is getting riskier and riskier with every passing day, especially when I give them back to her as a sign of my affection and a plea to re-consider the restraining order. Seriously, how am I supposed to shower if she won't let me in her bathroom?

Back to the point. Here's an awesome meat font, even though it's really not so much a font as it is a bunch of pictures of raw beef packaged in the shapes of letters. I can honestly say this has to be the most mouth watering font ever in the history of anything!

[h/t swissmiss]

Bird Watching - 04/04/2007

Many years ago I worked for this guy. Whenever I asked him for a raise, this was his response. It was also his response when I would ask him if he wanted cream or sugar in his coffee, or if he would sign off on my expense reports. Man, those were some good times!

Submit your own Bird Watching photos to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com

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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Will you be my friend?

Today I received a MySpace friend request from a bar called Have a Nice Day Cafe. At first, this freaked me out a bit, because I was wondering how in the world a bar became sentient and then managed to create its own MySpace account, much less start seeking out friends. Then I realized that was just a very bigoted view for me to have and that I shouldn't be so judgemental. Bars are people too and should be treated as such. Therefore, from this day forth, I shall treat all bars as I treat all of my friends: by sneaking in and stealing all their liquor while they aren't paying attention, vomiting in their kitchen sinks and passing out in their bathrooms. Now, if only bars could somehow have girlfriends, I could really treat them the way I treat my friends.

Oh yeah, and Have a Nice Day Cafe has a website. With pictures. Of drunk girls. Awesome Kong.

An Unpleasant Bleg

In some parts of the country it's an election day. And while a number of people are out looking for votes, we here at The Unpleasantness are looking for birdies!

How many times have you wished you could have your mug, along with your finger, displayed on this glorious site? Well unlike all those times you wished for world peace or someone, anyone, to love you, this wish is coming true! Starting today, The Unpleasantness is asking you, dear reader, to start submitting your own photos of you or your friends (if you have them) to share your best Bird Watching images with us. And if you don't have friends, this is a great opportunity to make some!

So get hopping. Submit your pictures to theunpleasantness@yahoo.com today! Do it! NOW!

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Beauty is in the eye of the Boozeholder

I call this piece of work Emptiness. In a sense, it is both beautiful and sad at the same time. Beautiful, because one can only imagine the lucious brown liquids that once flowed among the now silent ice cubes, yet the colors and textures left behind are warm and inviting. Sad, because there are two freakin' empty glasses there and the bartender still hasn't noticed! Who the heck do I have to sleep with to get some service around here?!?! Who? You? Well...alright then...

Bird Watching - 04/03/2007

Some people are ashamed to be seen on The Unpleasantness because the content of the site isn't necessarily family friendly. This fellow is ashamed for an entire set of other reasons, not the least of which is his pink shirt.

Oh, and that guy flipping the bird and holding the drink? In Mexico he's a very famous porn star. And superhero. And drunk. Usually all at the same time.

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Monday, April 2, 2007

Happiness has a new look

Milwaukee Happy Hour has redesigned its layout, which means it's now that much more difficult for me to find pictures of drunk girls. I hate learning how to do new things, but I also hate violating my parole, and lurking in ladies' rooms waiting to snap photos of girls nearly passing out is strictly in violation of that. So I guess I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate around this thing until...whoah hey now there! Oh yeah...there they are...

Bird Watching - 04/02/2007

What happens when you meet some strange guy in a bar, feed him vast amounts of alcohol, invite him into your home and leave the medicine cabinet unlocked? Frankly, I have no idea. But the friend of mine who left me his keys to his apartment over the weekend should be finding out just...about...now.

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Friday, March 30, 2007

"Bam Bam" Bonsall

It must be child star day here at The Unpleasantness, because what else could explain back-to-back posts about child stars? Brian Bonsall, the jump-the-shark baby from '80s mega-hit Family Ties, was arrested in Boulder, CO, for knocking around his girlfriend. I'm thinking it probably had something to do with him asking "Who's Brian Bonsall, bitch? WHO'S BRIAN BONSALL????" and her honestly not knowing the answer.

Fun Fact!
Did you know Brian Bonsall later went on to play Worf's son on Star Trek: The Next Generation, making him the first person responsible for two shows jumping the shark before the age of 15? Suck it, Ted McGinley!


Fun Fact II!
Did you know Brian Bonsall has absolutely nothing to do with Ms. Hotty McHotbox Kim Smith? Well, now you do!

Malcolm in the middle of the Pack

I have a friend who looked exactly like Frankie Muniz long before Frankie Muniz even existed. Even though he tries to laugh it off, we all know that inside he's crying. So I'm thinking it might be some consolation to my friend that Frankie is moving away from acting (if that's what you want to call it) and towards a more manly thing like auto racing. Of course, Frankie may end up in a horribly disfiguring accident and the universe would balance itself out by having my friend attacked by a rabid howler monkey. With a switchblade. That knows karate.

Now, after spending so much time talking about Frankie Muniz, my friend and monkeys, here's a picture of Hilary Duff, who was in a movie with Frankie and has spent all her time since washing off the cooties. If my suspicions are correct, she's been using the drool soaked love letters I've been sending her to do so.

If you've gotten this far, congratulations. You can read more by going to the archives. Or you can just imagine what else might be here without clicking anything. Might I recommend a fine bottle of bourbon to accompany your fantasies? I thought so.